Uncertainty

With a glass of lemonade in her hand, she was leaning against the bar table taking in the surroundings. This was not something she would normally do. She never had the courage to go to a club all by herself. But tonight was different. It all happened in a spur of a moment and here she was – standing and looking at the happy faces dancing around, taking pictures, seeking attention – trying to convince themselves of things unknown to them. 

For someone who had always been in her own company she had learned to appreciate and criticise herself. Although there were moments of doubt when she wished someone could clear it for her. Just like tonight. She had never been a dress person. But tonight, for a change she wore a loose kaftan dress and heels. She put on some mascara and lipstick and hoped to fit in. 

As she gazed around the bar, scenes from all the romantic comedies she had watched danced in front of her. She imagined moments where a man dressed in a fine suit with a glass of wine in his hand would walk up to her and strike a conversation with her. No, she wasn’t looking for a one night stand. She was looking for a decent company. Maybe she was asking for a lot but then who has got anything in life without asking for it?

The lemonade was almost over and so was her will to stay. The music was too loud and the energy of all the testosterones and estrogens trying hard at being what they weren’t was just too negative. It was humid and claustrophobic. There was no reason to stay.

In those last couple of minutes she pondered about why did she do this in the first place. She had never been uncomfortable in her own company. Yes, there had been moments when she longed for a company. A company that is more than just friends. A company that knew the real her – the one that is hidden under all the pretence and rough exterior. Even though she could confidently say she didn’t need anyone, those few moments always made her question herself.

Then what was it that was really stopping her from taking that step? Probably she hadn’t found anyone interesting yet or maybe her expectations were too high. Her friends, the internet and self help books had given her tons of tips and advice on going ahead and experiencing it. That success is followed by a series of failures.

Then again, there are always exceptions to rules. It had to feel right. She was ready to wait. Clearly being in the club at this hour wasn’t going to help. Probably that was the reason for all her clichéd thoughts. She knew she the morning would wash them. With that vindication she tipped the bartender and made her way out – more determined and convinced that things happen at their own pace and at their own time. All she had to do was be patient. 

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