To whomsoever it may concern:
As a person who has worked in two offices and few bullshitty freelance gigs – most of which were super dull, underpaid and clearly could have been done by anyone with a simple skill to read, I’m clearly not qualified for this position and I can guarantee there are applicants who are far more legitimate than I am. I understand applying for this position is a long shot considering I’m not qualified for it and I don’t really want the position. But since robbing a bank is too dangerous and there are bills to be paid, I don’t have much of a choice but to get myself a job.
Capitalising on the fact that I can use the internet better than old people, I hope to find a position in your company that pays me more than I need, will allow me to not interact with other employees and will let me ‘fake-work’. I’m also hoping you will send me on all-expense paid trips to cool places like Europe for “work purposes”. With this goal in mind, I have attached my resume detailing my qualifications.
Below are some characteristics that I believe are significant and also trying to pass off as relevant to this position:
- I’m terrible working in offices. In my experience so far in the past two offices I was advised to work on my ”fake smile”.
- I have a tendency to get really drunk at office functions. I mean I avoid such functions, but if I were to attend, I’m sure I’d be the one most drunk.
- I generally grow to resent all my coworkers.
- I might come across as a bright candidate with a lot of young, fresh and interesting ideas. But trust me – they’ll all run out and in no time you’ll see my mediocrity shine through.
- I have absolutely no experience doing anything that the position requires. I think I can pull it off but it’s a shot in the dark to be honest.
- I have no idea what half your job description means. If you have a lie detector in the interview room, that thing would start beeping the moment I’d enter the building, i.e, if you call me for an interview.
- I’m requesting you to give me this job. I’m tired of making pennies working in the junior position.
Going by everything I mentioned and based on my credentials, I’m certain you will not hire me. Truthfully, I’m just hoping to bullshit my way in and get at least 5 paycheques before you guys figure out that I have no idea what I’m doing. Also, the money would help me get by for the next two months until I find something else to bullshit my way through.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to meeting with you.
Why bother, you’ll probably never remember it