Constant Confusion

During your dependent days, independence meant making your own decisions, standing on your own two feet, pulling yourself up every time you fall down; but most importantly it meant having your shit together.

Even when you used to live with family, you were always on your own. And you were okay with that. In your own little way, you were preparing for the future. You have never been afraid to go solo, but it took awhile for you to learn to trust yourself. And you were continually looking for ways to be even more self-sufficient, to carve your own life path, to do what you want.

But you also love. And love terribly and fully. It’s an intense passion that’s too much for others to take. It’s a consuming, knotting, mess of emotion that interweaves you with another person. You live on the level of the soul. Surface level never fulfilled you. The love that makes you question your feelings, throws you upside-down and makes you put your faith and stubbornness and fiercely independent self in the hands of this other person. This interferes with your independent soul and because of this, you live in a constant state of confusion.

You want to be your own person, but you also want to love — and you want these two just as equally. You thrive on that sense of self, the freedom to not depend on anyone for the life you want. But you also want to love and mesh your life with this person who is nothing like you. Willingly. Happily. Your path of independence tangles with the existence of this person. And this both thrills and terrifies you.

Your world then becomes an inner battle. You quiet your stubborn mind and give into love. You find yourself curling into this person’s lap like a puppy, craving his touch, his kiss. Falling. You become the woman that confides in a man when she’s feeling lost, the woman that thinks of this man equally, if not before, herself. This is beautiful. This is love.

And then you suddenly balk. You feel weak, dependent, breakable. You don’t want to be this woman that lets a man in and hinder her growth. You don’t want to trust him cause you know how easily you can be crushed by the same hands that touched you. So you pull back. You distance yourself — to think, to recharge, to strengthen from within. You let go.

Neither side makes you fully happy. Neither side leaves you feeling complete. You cannot seem to find a balance because you crave both things so equally. And so you live in this place of tension — what you want and who you are, what you are becoming and yet so scared to be.

You are an independent woman. A woman with a strong heart and a passionate soul. You cannot let go of that part of you, the part that decides for herself and finds strength in her ability to stand alone. Yet you cannot be afraid to love. You cannot be afraid to embrace that ridiculously emotional side of you, the side that blends your strength with your passion. The side that makes you whole. You are not complete without both — without the strength you carry, without the tears and words and kisses you freely give. You are a strong, but a vulnerable woman. You are a perfect mix of both.

Let Go

 

“we have survived
so many fires,
i can no longer tell
if we are alive
or simply burning.”
—Pavana Reddy

Letting go is difficult. Of people, dreams or your damaged self.  

People who need help sometimes look a lot like people who don’t need help. They seem in control, always with a positive word. Everyone we come across has something deep within themselves for which, if given time and space, they would break down on the floor crying. Don’t be fooled by their cheeky, funny, smiling faces. The bigger the smile, the tougher the battle they are fighting.

Charles Bukowski said, “But we joke and laugh otherwise we would start screaming.”

This kind of sadness is either inherited or a fruit of our experiences and thinking. The only way I know to get out of this is to grow on a personal level — not try to become a different person, but change the way we interact with who we already are.

The hardest part is actually taking action. Leaving the people you say you’re going to leave. Leaving the place you thought you’d always stay. It’s a terrifying thing to do. We’ve tried so hard or come a long way that if we let go now, it will feel like a waste given the time and effort we invested in it. But that’s the only way to heal. To take action. Hard as it may be, everything starts with that one action.

Letting go of things that have already slipped away will be one of the kindest things you will do for yourself.

Lessons Learned

Image credit: Henry Asencio

There are parts of you that want sadness. Find them out. Ask them why. Not everything in life will be beautiful and long lasting. Sometimes people come into your life to teach you lessons; to show you what is acceptable and what it not. They test your limits; show you who you can be. You wouldn’t have learned to love yourself until you hadn’t bent over backwards long enough for it to start hurting.

These people, their presence is temporary. To fight for someone who intends to stay seems worth the effort, but why fight for someone who wants to leave? They come for a little while to make you feel better, to be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to. They don’t, however, stay forever. We still have to keep going and thank them for the beautiful memories they gave us.

People inspire you, or they drain you—pick them wisely.

Honest Cover Letter

To whomsoever it may concern:

As a person who has worked in two offices and few bullshitty freelance gigs – most of which were super dull, underpaid and clearly could have been done by anyone with a simple skill to read, I’m clearly not qualified for this position and I can guarantee there are applicants who are far more legitimate than I am. I understand applying for this position is a long shot considering I’m not qualified for it and I don’t really want the position. But since robbing a bank is too dangerous and there are bills to be paid, I don’t have much of a choice but to get myself a job.

Capitalising on the fact that I can use the internet better than old people, I hope to find a position in your company that pays me more than I need, will allow me to not interact with other employees and will let me ‘fake-work’. I’m also hoping you will send me on all-expense paid trips to cool places like Europe for “work purposes”. With this goal in mind, I have attached my resume detailing my qualifications. 

Below are some characteristics that I believe are significant and also trying to pass off as relevant to this position:

• I’m terrible working in offices. In my experience so far in the past two offices I was advised to work on my ”fake smile”.
• I have a tendency to get really drunk at office functions. I mean I avoid such functions, but if I were to attend, I’m sure I’d be the one most drunk.
• I generally grow to resent all my coworkers.
• I might come across as a bright candidate with a lot of young, fresh and interesting ideas. But trust me – they’ll all run out and in no time you’ll see my mediocrity shine through.
• I have absolutely no experience doing anything that the position requires. I think I can pull it off but it’s a shot in the dark to be honest.
• I have no idea what half your job description means. If you have a lie detector in the interview room, that thing would start beeping the moment I’d enter the building, i.e, if you call me for an interview.
• I’m requesting you to give me this job. I’m tired of making pennies working in the junior position.

Going by everything I mentioned and based on my credentials, I’m certain you will not hire me. Truthfully, I’m just hoping to bullshit my way in and get at least 5 paycheques before you guys figure out that I have no idea what I’m doing. Also, the money would help me get by for the next two months until I find something else to bullshit my way through.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to meeting with you.

Warm regards,
Why bother, you’ll probably never remember it

Mirza Ghalib

I’m a Mirza Ghalib fan. He is one of those few gems whose words haunts and calms me at the same time. Here are some of my favourite poems/shayari by him.

Suna hai woh dukh me hota hai toh mujhe yaad karta hai
Ab mai uske liye khushi ki dua karun ya gham ki

Haal poochti nahi duniya zinda logon ka
Chale aate hain janaze pe barat ki tarah

Kitna khauf hota hai shaam ke andheron me
Pooch un parindon se jinke ghar nahi hote

Huyi muddat ke Ghalib mar gaya par yaad aata hai
Har ek baat pe kahna ke yun hota toh kya hota..

Sehra ko bada naaz hai apni veerani pe
Usne deka nahi alam meri tanhayi ka

Khwaab lafzon me daal nahi sakte
Kaash aankhein padha kare koi

Sar jhukane se namazein ada nahi hoti
Dil jhukana padta hai ibadat k liye

Kuch iss tarah maine apni zindagi ko aansan kar liya
Kisi se maafi maang li – kisi ko maaf kar diya

This is my most favourite:

Mere pukhte iraade khud meri taqdeer badlenge
Meri kismat nahi mohtaaj mere haathon ki lakeero ki